Robbed of a Simple Faith

This topic has come up often in my discussions in the last few days for me, so I thought I’d share some thoughts here.

I really feel like part of being LDS, and then leaving, is that you are robbed of the ability to have a simple faith. Let me explain…

What They Don’t Tell You About Jesus

Granted, I’m still a fairly new Christian, all things considered. And I feel really blessed that the pastor that basically led my family and I to Christ was very balanced. He taught the word of God… the whole word of God. The hard teachings were being taught right alongside the easy-to-accept teachings. But as I watch more and more pastors, preachers, and missionaries, I begin to see something troubling. And a phone call I heard the other day to a local Christian call-in show really brought the concern home to me.

A Return Visit To The Park

I found myself drawn back to that place again today.  Just over 8 months ago, I found myself in a park close to where I work, talking with God.  That was the day I was saved… born again… whatever you want to call it.  That was the day I accepted Jesus Christ’s sacrifice for me as enough.  My life has been a wild and thrilling ride since that day.  As you know from previous posts, it hasn’t all been sunshine and roses… especially the last few weeks.  And nothing has improved financially speaking in the last few days.  But something did improve as I went back to that park again today.

It felt like it had been awhile since I had heard God’s voice.  And I really needed to hear it, desperately.  So I went back to the place where I had heard it more profoundly than at any other time in my life.  I’m sure it wasn’t the place that was important, but it was the way it prepared my heart and mind to be there.

I started off praying very righteously… you know… asking for all the right things, praying for the Lord’s will, yadda yadda yadda.  Then, as I didn’t feel Him there with me, I began to level with Him.  I confessed some things to Him that had been on my heart, admitted to all the worrying, stress, anger, and disappointment I’d been feeling.  If figured He knew what was really on my heart, so I told Him straight out. 

"Lord, I need money.  I need some closings.  And I need them soon."  And that got the ball rolling.  I spent probably ten minutes telling Him all the things I needed.  Need, need, need.  The more I told Him what I needed the worse I felt.  I told God all of the things I wanted Him to do for me and then sat back and waited for an answer. 

Nothing.

I prayed a little more and… nothing.

Figuring I was in a ‘waiting on the Lord’ stage, I began to return to my car.  Slowly walking along the little path, He began to talk to me again. 

"Will you still praise Me?" he asked.  "Even in tough times, will you still praise My Name and be thankful for what you have?"

He brought to my mind so clearly all the incredible things I have to be thankful for.  I couldn’t begin to name them here, although I tried there in the park.

I began to think back on the scriptures I had been reading lately, the worship songs I had been listening to, and the studies I had been listening to.  I realized they had all been chosen intentionally to address my specific needs.  I was searching for answers in the right place, but I had forgotten to praise Him along the way and be thankful. 

As I got into my car to return to my office, my mp3 player randomly picked this song to play…

Blessed be your Name in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow, blessed be your Name

Blessed be your Name when I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be your Name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name.

That’s not all of the lyrics, but it was enough to drive home it’s point. I realized that in the midst of miracles and happiness, I was thrilled to sing the Lord’s praises.  But as soon as darkness came, I forgot to continue praising Him.  I turned into a beggar.   "Give me more, Lord!  More! More! More!"  My belief in Him didn’t falter, but my praise and thankfulness sure did.

And yet, almost immediately upon returning to my office, the feeling seemed to leave.  Suddenly I had phone calls to make, paperwork to do, and troubles to deal with.  My sincere hope is that the desire to praise Him doesn’t leave me, and that I can find small ways to stop and praise Him throughout the day.

I often wonder what the Lord sees in this whiney, self-absorbed person that I am that was worth dying for.      

I Thought I Was Getting Over It

I knew going into this whole change in beliefs that anger would be a part of the process.  I had no idea how long it would last or how suddenly it would rear its ugly head.  The last two weeks have possibly been the toughest we have had to go through since leaving the LDS church.  It really seems like everything is just beginning to come to a head, and I’m not sure where it is all leading.  It seems our entire lives are in an upheaval right now. 

I can count the business I’ve lost in the last months or so in the tens of thousands of dollars.  Those I once considered my friends now pass me on the street or at social events as if they never knew me.  They refuse to make eye contact with me or even respond to my attempt at a friendly hello.  I didn’t think it would hurt so much, but it does. 

And worst of all, my kids are taking the brunt of it.  My latest outburst of anger came just minutes ago.  One of my son’s "best friends" just beat him up at school today, after telling him that the whole school hated him and wished he was dead, and that he would kill him himself if he could do it without going to jail.  Needless to say, our son is done with school for the year.  I can hardly see straight right now, let alone think rationally.  Part of me wants to get in my car and scream over to his parents’ house and ask them how their LDS beliefs line up with their son’s actions?  The other part of me just wants to find this kid and knock his lights out myself.   I know I shouldn’t be writing while in such an emotional state, but this kind of thing is a reality when you leave the LDS church.  Suddenly these people who look so loving, family-centered, and always happy in their TV commercials change into vengeful and very bitter people.  We’ve left their secret club and they don’t like it.

I thought I’d be able to rebuild my business outside of the LDS world, but it is becoming very apparent that I may be in an area that is too predominantly LDS to be able to do that.  It is a daily occurrence for me now to run into roadblocks because of this. 

Yet, in all of this, I know God is in control.  He is working something in us… although I haven’t the faintest idea of what it could be.  I know someday we’ll look back at this and praise Him for each and every trouble we endured.  But right now I just want to cry for mercy and have some reprieve from it all.  We will never be Christians here.  We will always be "those apostate ex-Mormons".

I hate this.  I really do.  If I could pack up and leave town with my family today, I am afraid I would do it. It would mean leaving behind some of the most loving and wonderful new friends we’ve ever had, but it might also mean that we could be who we were truly meant to be… without all the baggage we are packing around right now.  Every single day is such a battle right now.  And I’m afraid I’m losing.  I get some comfort from knowing that others have felt this before…

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God
Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death;
My enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
- Psalm 13:1-4   

If my "foes" knew what their actions were causing in my life right now, they would truly be rejoicing.   The destruction of my business, loss of my home, and even the disintegration of my family would give them great happiness.  And it would be a great boon to their faith in the LDS church to see our lives go that way.  I know I am being broken by the Lord so that He can work in me.  But I wish there was a way He could do it that wouldn’t give my "foes" a feeling of victory or triumph.

Every day I long for that "peace that surpasses all understanding", and every once in a while I get a glimpse of it.  And I get discouraged that I do not have it all the time.  But then I remember what I must do to have that kind of peace… it is contingent upon my faith and trust in the Lord.   If I am not at peace, it is because my faith is lacking.

It is days like this that I wish I could spend the entire day worshipping, singing, reading the Word, and fellowshipping… that is what I really need today.  Instead, I get to spend it beating my head against the wall trying to keep making a living.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.  I am so ready for You.

Been a little while…

So I haven’t posted for awhile.  And I’m realizing that’s part of the process as well.  Every once in awhile I think you’ve got to go through a period of time where you just put it all out of your mind and live life.  That’s where I’ve been lately.  So much of me still felt "Mormon" even though I’d emotionally, physically, and spiritually left the church.  But had I left mentally?  Not entirely.  Part of me will probably always feel like a Mormon… or at least a post-Mormon.  And sometimes that burden gets a little too much to bear and I have to not think about it for awhile.  Then eventually I find myself refreshed and ready to get in and work through the issues involved again. 

A letter in yesterday’s mail has helped in the process.  We finally got our official "you’re out of the church" letters from LDS church headquarters.  They were very short and to the point.  Basically something like this… (I don’t have them in front of me right now or I’d write word for word)

As per your request, you are no longer a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  If you should ever wish to rejoin, talk with your bishop or stake president about the process of rebaptism.

That was it.  Short, sweet, and wonderful.  I wasn’t sure how I’d feel when those letters finally arrived… or how my kids would feel (they sent us each an individual letter).  My kids’ response?

My youngest somewhat jokingly asked if we’d buy her a frame so she could hang it in her room.  My middle child broke out in a wide grin and just said, "Ha!"   Not sure what the reaction was of my older daughter… wasn’t there when she got hers.  And my reaction?  Relief.  I didn’t realize I was waiting on that letter as much as I was.  I drove past an LDS church building this morning and had this profound sense of happiness and relief.  In no way was I Mormon.  It was official.  I guess I’ll always be "post-Mormon", but I am now not officially Mormon in any way whatsoever. 

What a miracle God has worked in our lives.  And continues to work!  A year ago I feared I’d never be good enough to measure up as a Mormon, a year later I know that it is God who is good enough on our behalf. 

A Call from a Bishop

I hadn’t heard from him in well over 6 months.  I wasn’t even sure how to address him on the phone.  I didn’t want to call him Bishop, and calling him by his first name felt really weird, too… I really only learned what it was a few days before.  I don’t know a lot of the first names of people in my old wards… they are all Brother So-And-So, or Sister Whats-Her-Name.  Anyway, the phone call went something like this… with my inner monologue in italics…

Bishop: Hi Brad, I received a letter from church headquarters today that told me I needed to call you.

I’m doing fine, thanks for asking.  Oh wait… you didn’t ask, did you.

Me: Okay

It never occurred to him on his own to call me at any other time in the last six months since we’d publicly announced we were leaving the LDS church?

Bishop: It says I need to come over and talk to you guys for a little while.

Me:  I’m not sure why that’s necessary.

Bishop:  I understand that you’ve asked that your names be removed from the church records.  The policy is that we need to visit with you in person, even if it’s just a few minutes on your doorstep.

Me:  Honestly, (insert his first name here), I don’t think you’d appreciate it if I were to come to your doorstep and talk with your family for a few minutes about what I now believe, so I’m not sure that’s really necessary.

Bishop: But we need to talk about the process of leaving the church, and how it all works.  There are waiting periods you need to know about and such.

Me:  We’ve researched everything and are very familiar with how the process works, and very firm in our decision, so we’d really appreciate it if you’d just go ahead and get the paperwork processed.

Bishop:  Okay…………….. (long pause)……………… well……………………. (long pause)……………. okay then….. (sounding exasperated)………… well, then……….. goodbye.

Me: Bye

Now, I know he’s just doing his job… doing what is required of him to do.  I don’t fault him for that.  But here are a few of the things that ticked me off about "the process", not necessarily the man who has to implement it.

First of all, within a few weeks of our decision to leave the church, I wrote the bishop a letter.  I let him know of our decision, how firm we were in it, but how much we loved, respected, and appreciated the friendships and relationships of our LDS friends.  We invited him, and anyone else, to drop by anytime to visit… as long as it was purely a personal visit and not some attempt to reactivate us.  Let’s see… I’ve tried to keep track of how many people from our old ward have called, come by to visit, or sent us a letter or anything.  I think I’ve got the number right at….. well….. zero.  Message to me?   We were never friends and had nothing in common outside of membership in a church.  Some people are still friendly when we bump into them at the store and a VERY select few will still actually do business with me.  The majority, however, will have nothing to do with us.  In all fairness, I had asked my father to make sure there were no efforts from the ward leadership to try to get to my kids.  Maybe this was followed so well that people were afraid to contact us at all.  Not sure I can account all of it to that, though.

Our resignation letters made it very clear that we were aware of their "waiting periods" to be removed from the membership records, and that we waived those waiting periods and requested that our paperwork be processed immediately.  This was entirely ignored and we are now waiting out the "waiting period" anyway.

The further I get away from the LDS church, the more clearly I see how legalistic it is.  It’s all about following rules, commandments, and direction.  Follow all the rules and you’ll not only make it to the Celestial Kingdom, but to higher and higher positions of leadership in the church.  My old Bishop actually seemed to think that because he was directed to meet with us that somehow we were obligated to accept that meeting.  Why?   Well, he was directed to do it!  I’ve actually talked with people in a similar situation whose Bishop’s told them they "had to visit with them" or they (the Bishop) would lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost because they didn’t follow what they were directed to do.

Sorry for the post being a little more negative than usual today.  I find myself cycling through a range of emotions, sometimes within the same day.  Sheer joy, outright anger, profound sadness, overwhelming peace… all of which is leading slowly but steadily towards balance, forgiveness, and acceptance.   Anger and resentment is as much a part of the process as joy and peace… all must be experienced and worked through… all the time appealing to God for His help, which He happily gives when asked.

Honor your Father & Mother

Had a great night last night at a Men’s Discipliship Group.  We are reading through a book on the life and atonement of Jesus Christ.  It’s been an awesome process, full of some amazing "ah-ha!" moments for me.  We got discussing the commandment to honor your parents.  It seemed that everyone in the room was struggling with some aspect of this commandment… myself included.  It’s something I’d really had to invest a lot of time, study, and thought into.

A common theme in the room was that many parents don’t ‘feel’ honored by their Christian children, while most Christian children are actually really striving to honor their parents.  My recent religious path has, from my parents’ perspective, been probably among the most dishonorable things I could have done with my life.  I really think they’d probably rather see me completely faithless than no longer be committed to the LDS faith.  Maybe that’s not a fair assumption, but it’s how I perceive it.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the idea of honoring parents.  It is, first and foremost, a commandment of God.  God wants us to honor our parents.  Because this is a commandment of God, He will be the judge of whether or not we are successful at it, not our parents.  It occurred to me that there is absolutely no correlation between honoring our parents and whether our parents ‘feel’ honored by us.  I know in my heart that the way I am living my life is honoring my parents.   They would absolutely feel 180 degrees opposite of that…. of that I have no doubt.  But the fact remains that I am striving to live out my faith, follow God’s plan for my life, love my fellow man, and bring souls to Him.  Just because they don’t see that, doesn’t mean it doesn’t honor them from God’s point of view… the only point of view that ultimately matters.  Someday every knee will bow, someday every tongue will confess He is God.  At that day, my parents will see my efforts to honor them in the best way I ever could… by living an authentic life, unbending to worldly influences, in an effort to glorify God. 

I love and respect my parents immensely.  I can’t imagine a better way to honor them by living what I believe, because truly that is the example they’ve set for me and the person they’ve molded me to become. 

Red Letter Day

We finally did it yesterday.  And it will arrive in today’s mail.

I’m talking about our official letter of resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  You see, you don’t just leave Mormonism by walking out the door and never coming back.  You’ll always reside on their membership lists that way and, every once in awhile, become the "project" of a new Bishop or new Elder’s Quorum President who’s all fired up to ‘reactive the fallen’.  I’ve been on the other side of this.  I’ve been that new member of an Elder’s Quorum Presidency that went out door knocking, letter writing, and activity-inviting all those on the membership lists who were no longer active. 

In the LDS Church, you must officially request removal of your names (and that of your baptized children) through a letter of resignation.  That’s what we sent in yesterday’s mail.  I wondered how my kids would react when we told them they’d have to sign this document to no longer be a part of the Mormon church.  It was likely the first ‘official’ signature they’ve ever signed in their lives.  I was prepared for questions, concerns, and confusion.  The response I got was far different. 

"Why didn’t we do this a long time ago?" they asked.  They signed quickly, even with the understanding of the implications.  They were signing away their baptisms… signing away their sealing to us for the eternities… signing away a lifetime of membership in a religion they no longer believed… as were we.

I feel liberated today… along with the feeling of impending conflict.  Although such resignation requests are supposed to be confidential, I have no doubt that it will be shared with my father almost immediately upon it’s receipt… almost certainly later today.  It will be a shock to my parents.  I hate the effect that it will have on them.  They are living in a sort of state of denial. They believe that we are just wandering for a little while and will eventually ‘return to the fold’.  This will put a serious damper on their ability to believe that, I would think.

I can’t imagine ever returning to activity in the LDS church.  It would mean closing my mind to the awesome understanding I’ve gained of who my Lord and Savior really is, and all that He has done for me.  It would mean forgetting about the many discoveries I’ve made that prove to me that the LDS church is based on some pretty significant falsehoods. It would mean literally turning my back on Jesus.  That’s something I hope I never do.

The real reason for our writing of that letter is two-fold, and actually has almost nothing to do with continued efforts of Mormons to reactivate us.  The first reason is that we no longer wanted our names associated with it.  In my mind, I’m still a Mormon until I’ve officially resigned.  When I see the church bragging about it’s membership count and growth rate, I didn’t want my name included in that count.  I wanted to be numbered among the hundreds of thousands each year who leave of their own accord. 

The second reason is that I knew that, one way or another, I’d be removed from the Church’s records.  All it would take is one of my fellow church members finding out about this blog and excommunication proceedings would begin.  I would be called into a Church court to explain my actions and then, verified by the experiences of others, be officially reprimanded, removed from the rolls of the church, and my name drug through the mud.  Nobody would be told the reason for my excommunication, so they would be left to their own imaginations.  I’ve been on the other side of the fence… imagining what people have done to be excommunicated.  Infidelity?  Child abuse? Sexual abuse?  Homosexuality?  Nobody ever thinks "he probably blogged about the church" as a reason for excommunication. 

My future life, God willing, will be one of helping questioning Mormons discover the truth.  A path that would almost immediately result in my excommunication.  I want to stand in front of troubled Mormons as a person who has chosen to leave on my own terms rather than someone who was kicked out of what just might be "the true church" as they see it.

So, here I sit. Nervously waiting for a phone call.  Will it be from my Bishop?  My Stake President?  My father?  My mother?   Maybe it won’t ring at all and I’ll be left wondering how my parents are dealing with it.  I’m not sure which I’m hoping for right now. 

Somewhere out there in my future is what I think of as the "new normal."  At some point my friends, my family, will get used to the idea that I’m not a Mormon anymore… and never will be again… and find some level of acceptance of that.  I have to hope that there won’t always be this level of stress, emotion, and sadness that has invaded our relationships.  A year?  five years?  twenty years?  I have no idea how far away that ‘new normal’ is. 

How to Know Jesus…

     To me, losing my source of truth was one of the scariest aspects of leaving the LDS church.  Whenever I struggled in my life before, I always knew I had a bishop, a stake president, or some other church leader to go to for answers. After all, they were inspired leaders blessed with a stewardship over me.  I truly believed that God would make His will for me known through these leaders, including the prophet and apostles of the church.  It was comforting to know that these men were inspired of God and were trustworthy.

     Leaving the LDS church caused me to lose that source of truth.  I found that I no longer had a trusted source of reliable information… and that was frightening. I would look through shelves of books at my local Christian bookstore and wouldn’t recognize a single author, other than maybe C.S. Lewis or Max Lucado. I wondered who had given these people the authority to write about God.  Why were their opinions any more or less valid than my own, or the LDS church leaders’ for that matter?  I realized that, without a supposed Priesthood authority on the earth, there really was no authority… just a bunch of humans trying to figure it all out and pretending like they knew things that were, to my mind, unknowable.

     I finally skimmed across the shelves to the Bibles. I found my reaction to them very odd. Although I don’t think I actually rolled my eyes, that was the sort of feeling I had inside as I came across them.

     "Oh, that old book…" was the unexpected thought in my head. Followed quickly by, "Boy, it’d be nice if that book were actually true… if it hadn’t been perverted so many times over the thousands of years since it’s writing."

     Then a thought popped into my head that had the effect of a wind blowing into a foggy town and suddenly revealing the blue sky above.

      "It was the Mormon church that taught me that this book couldn’t be trusted… the same church that had gotten so many other things wrong." 

     What if it were true? What if this book… this Bible… was the authority that I was so desperately seeking?

      For me, coming to know my Savior began with coming to know the Book that testifies of Him. If you wanted to get to know as much as possible about one of your ancestors, and discovered a box full of letters he had written to future generations about himself, could there be any better way to get to know him?

     That’s what the Bible is to me.  God has put pen to paper and left us letters about himself.  Knowing God, knowing Jesus, begins there.

     But there is another way, too. A way that works much more powerfully when done in conjunction with studying the Bible.

     Unlike that distant ancestor, God still lives and can communicate with you… and you with Him.  It takes some practice… takes some faith… and takes some time… but He is there to answer you and reveal himself to you.

     The LDS church would teach that you don’t really need a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that He is more of an intermediary between you and the Father.  They would tell you to read the Book of Mormon, obey the commandments, and follow the prophets.

     Jesus’ most important commandment is "Come Follow Me." We can only know how to do that by knowing who He is… by knowing Him.

     Desire.    Study.    Prayer.

     That’s all it takes to find Him and to know Him.

The evening after…

I’ve often called the LDS church a "sleeping church" since leaving it. I was reminded today how true that is. We spent the morning in our last LDS Sacrament service ever. We’ve vowed to never go back again, regardless of the occasion or event.

I was struck powerfully by three images.

The first was the singing of the hymns. I remember thinking that LDS hymns were reverent and respectful (when I was active). They now seem like a drudgery and are sung with all the enthusiasm of a death march. There was no passion in their singing… no meaning… and certainly no worship. It was people reciting words off of a page to a tune on an organ. Contrasting that with a song of worship sung to Lord with full voice and open hands? Amazing difference.

The second image was looking around at the congregation during people’s talks. Not being particularly interested in what was being said, I did a quick scan of people’s postures and attention level. In a row of 12 people sitting in a pew, I found two who actually seemed to be looking towards the speaker and somewhat engaged. The young kids were coloring or looking at books, the youth were simply staring at the ground, and the rest of the adults had their eyes closed. I guess they think maybe other people are supposed to think they are concentrating on what’s being said? I know from experience that it has more to do with needing to rest weary eyes and being unengaged in the service. Contrast that with a room full of people with Bible’s open on their laps and hanging on every word of a teaching of the Word? Again, amazing difference. It comes down to the basic difference of works versus grace that separates the two belief systems so much. Mormons are required to do works (sit in a pew on Sunday morning), so that’s what they do. Christians sit in church on a Sunday morning to increase their faith and knowledge. If they don’t go to church, their eternal status is not jeapardized. But they are there anyway… because they want to be. Faith results in works.

The third powerful image was the most disturbing for me, because it is the image of my youngest brother standing at the pulpit giving his mission report. I heard all the same things I’ve heard from a hundred other talks. He made all the same claims that the Lord had told him, through a burning in the bosom and a feeling in the heart, that the LDS faith is the only true faith on the earth, and that the Church is led by a prophet who talks directly with the Lord to guide the church and could never lead us astray, and that a boy prophet named Joseph really did restore the true gospel to the earth after a visitation from the Father and the Son. He talked about how missionaries (and all Mormons) are similar to firefighters who run into burning buildings at the risk of their own lives to save people from burning to death. Much of his talk was on the importance of obedience and how real faith can only be obtained by living the commandments to the best of our abilities.

My prayer for today was that I could somehow reflect some of the light God has given me into that place, and on those people. I greeted everyone I could with a hearty handshake, a sincere smile, and a friendly spirit. Some seemed a little bit shocked… probably expecting to see some sunken sullen lost soul. I don’t know what kind of impression I made, or what impression the Lord made through me. But I do know the impression he made upon me. I know my extended family was hoping that my being back in that building, singing those hymns, and hearing those words would relight some fire of belief in me. My one over-riding thought during the whole service was a heart full of profound thanks. I felt so blessed, so lucky, and so loved by my Father to have been shaken wide awake.