Thank you for the fleas?

I’m trying to get a little bit ahead for next term, so I’m getting some of the reading done over the break. I started with “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom. (I found a large print copy at the library, which was a blessing for my aging eyes.)

Amazing story. She was sent to a concentration camp in Nazi Germany for housing Jews. Without being able to tell the whole story here, I want to share just one amazing moment from the book… in my own admittedly lacking words.

The Melding of Two Ideas…

I used to give this speaking presentation to local business and community service groups that went something like this…

"Small things done consistently over time result in the profound"

If I look at most of the skills and accomplishments in my life, either personal or professional, they’ve come about because of very small things done consistently. You don’t just learn a language, a musical instrument, or build a relationship all in one big effort. These things come about from tiny little miniscule investments of time on a consistent basis. The change is imperceptible from one day to the next, but become very noticeable over months or years. One of the most obvious ways this idea is expressed is in physical weight. A few hundred extra calories per day will leave a person extremely overweight over a matter of years. While a few hundred less will allow a person to drop large amounts of weight over time. Unfortunately, I’m a better example of the former process rather than the latter. Anyway, that’s the basic idea of the presentation… and something I truly believe in. Anything you want to become or accomplish can be broken down into these tiny little pieces and, if you do them consistently, will add up to a profound change.

I was asked to give this business presentation again last week to a small real estate office, and I found myself really struggling with it. This whole change of religion has really made me re-evaluate things like that. My new belief is that all good comes from God. How can I be claiming to teach people how to better themselves or their businesses when I now understand that all of that really comes from God? It seemed very hypocritical to me, and the message I really wanted to bring to them was Jesus. Not quite what they would have been expecting, though.

I’ve also been praying a lot lately that my Father would change my nature to become a more prayerful person. I don’t really know what keeps me from praying more often, and I’ve been asking Him to just keep it more at the forefront of my mind and to help me find opportunities and places to do it. It occured to me that this idea of needing to pray more often and my presentation material had some common ground… and not just the idea that I should pray more consistently. It actually struck me that I am probably praying for the wrong things.

Let’s take my physical condition for example. A typical prayer for me would be asking my Father to change my nature… take away my desire for bad foods and give me a desire to exercise… to change who I am as a person to become a more naturally active and healthy person. I think of it now as a "fell swoop" prayer. In other words, I was asking God to change who I am in one fell swoop. I wanted to wake up the next morning as a brand new person with different likes, dislikes, and lifestyle and have the thing beat.

God can absolutely work miracles and could change me like that if He wanted to… if it was best for me. But it’s probably not best for me. But He could also change me in little tiny ways each and every day until the change becomes profound over time.

What I’ve been expecting to accomplish in one "fell swoop" prayer could no doubt be accomplished over time through many, many small and specific prayers.

"Lord, help me to eat wisely at lunch today and stop when I’m full."

"Lord, help me to have the desire and energy to get on the treadmill right now."

"Lord, help me to limit the amount of Christmas candy I eat this evening."

"Lord, help me to not buy the Snickers bar I’ve been thinking about today when I gas up my car."

If He is powerful enough to perform miracles, I have no doubt that He is powerful enough to assist me with the little tiny things that come up as I need help with them. Sure, it would be easier to be changed by a single "fell swoop" prayer, but is it any less a miracle to be changed over time through a thousand smaller prayers? The end result is the same. The only difference is I’ll learn a lot more and become more of who He wants me to be if I do it His way.

I may have to change my saying from

"Small things done consistently over time result in the profound"

to

"Small prayers prayed consistently over time result in the profound."

Getting older…

I don’t think I’m in very good health. You know those guys you look at and say, "Wow… He needs to take better care of himself." I’m one of those guys. People always seem to think I’m far older than I really am, and I think I probably am physically older than my 36 years. I’m not entirely sure what keeps me from becoming healthy. It’s not that I’m sick or anything, or even dealing with any official "medical conditions"… that I know of. But I could be so much better, so much healthier, so much more productive and sure of myself. I’m definitely getting nearer to that point of giving this over to God. It’s obviously bigger than I am. I don’t know how I can be so self-controlled in so many aspects of my life and yet this one escapes me entirely. God wants me to be healthy, right? And He’s ready to show me how to become that way if I let Him, right? So what in the world is stopping me?

All I can think of is that I haven’t yet really turned it over to Him. There’s still some part of me that thinks I can willpower my way out of it and beat this thing on my own terms.

I heard in a teaching the other day that the Lord stands ready to give us everything good that He wants for us in our lives, and it is simply up to us to ask for the right things. Can health be anything but the right thing to ask for? Maybe I’m asking for the wrong reasons, or with the wrong intentions? I’m not sure.

I think my prayer is going to change from "help me to lose weight" to "help me to more fully turn this problem over to You."

Sad weekend

Haven’t posted for awhile. Been very busy (with good things) and just haven’t had the time.

This weekend was a very sad one for our church family. Without going into details, one among the leadership of our church fell into sin, and was released from his responsibilities at the church. This sort of thing is always a shock, and seems to happen in every religion and denomination.

Upon hearing the news, I was immediately taken back to a point in my life as a youth. I had fallen in with the wrong crowd and got into shoplifting. It was stupid stuff at first. A candy bar here or a soda there. It was a game of one-ups-manship, and I wanted to fit in with these kids. Before long, the dares got bigger and bigger. Within a few months, I found myself walking out of a store with a couple of CD’s and some stuff for my bike. My friends were there, too, but I’d lost track of them. I waited and waited, and they never showed up. So I decided to leave with my stuff. Just as I was walking out the door, I felt a big strong hand on my shoulder and a badge flashed in front of my face. I was taken to a room where I found my friends waiting. We’d all been busted. I remember so clearly the emotions and thoughts that I had at that time.

"This isn’t me! How did I become this person!" It literally felt like I had been asleep for months, and only then was I waking up to reality. It felt like some other person had been controlling my body, and I’d let them. It was the most awful feeling I’ve ever had, even up to this day. Looking back, I could see how sneaky Satan is in people’s lives. It all seemed to start innocently enough but, with ever-increasing but almost imperceptable levels, I’d gotten deeper and deeper in. I am so thankful that the Lord chose to "catch me" at that time… before things escalated even further. It scares me to think how much farther into it I could have been lured. I really feel like He stepped in when He did to save me from even more catastrophic consequences. It was the wakeup call I needed in my life, and He was able to help me put that sort of thing behind me for the rest of my life.

I think in some way, I was right. That person wasn’t me… not really. I am a child of God, but I’d let my flesh take over. Sin is not the nature of my spirit, even though it is the nature of my flesh. Even as I consider what this church leader is going through right now, I can see that he is not his sin. He is a child of God. He is loved beyond measure. The flesh has won a battle, but Jesus will have the ultimate victory in the war. I know that, somehow, God will use this terrible experience for His good.

Oh, and to make a bad thing worse, this thing made the front page of our local newspaper. When I first saw it, I had a hope that my family might somehow not see it. Those hopes were quickly dashed as I looked at the article literally right next to it on the front page. It was an article about my father talking about his years of service in the community. Not only would my family obviously see it, but it’ll be something they would buy multiple copies of and hang on to for a long time. Ugh.

I never know what to do or what to say in situations like this. I hope to someday see this man walk back through the doors of the church so I can put my arms around him and his wife and express my love and appreciation for them. The place they most need in their lives right now is probably the place they most dread ever going again.

My mantra

I’m doing it again. About four years ago I dropped nearly 70 pounds by working out and eating better. Unfortunately, it was the typical story. Gained it all back plus a few. But I’m doing it again. And not the gaining it back part. I’m back at the gym again.

I wonder if this isn’t also part of the reason my business has slowed down. I have time and energy again to focus on getting myself healthy. It does seem more important in the whole scheme of things that I stay healthy and fit. Maybe I needed this break from the break-neck pace I was at to realize that again.

This time at the gym is different, though. I posted a while back about my inability to turn my weight issues over to the Lord and admit I could nothing about them on my own. Well, I did just that after all. I told Him I didn’t have the strength, the commitment, the lasting desire to do it on my own, and that I needed those things from Him. I told Him I was ashamed of the temple I had for Him, and needed His help to restore it to a place that honored and glorified Him.

The way He is helping me is almost imperceptable, but it is there. It is in those moments of indecision, when it would be really easy to stay home on my couch instead of go to the gym… in those moments when a brownie or a cookie doesn’t look like that big of a deal. That is where He steps in and makes up for my lack of willpower and commitment. I find myself walking away from bad food and in the car headed to the gym before I know it.

I was running on the treadmill the other day (yes, a guy in my shape can run… a little.. for very short distances… at a slow pace… with a lot of wheezing) and really hurting. My knee felt like it was going to give out, my legs had filled with lactic acid, and all I could see in the mirror in front of me was a very fat man looking very pathetic and sweating profusely. It’s a good thing I was pretty much alone in the gym, because I started talking out loud to God as I ran. I asked Him for strength. I asked Him for management of pain. I asked Him for desire to keep taking another leap forward and for the strength to have my other leg be there to catch me when I did. Before long, my prayer had turned into a sort of chant or mantra…

"Less of me (breath) more of Him (breath)"
"Less of me (breath) more of Him (breath)"
"Less of me (breath) more of Him (breath)"
"Less of me (breath) more of Him (breath)"

It took on a rhythm and began to pace me. It carried me through that workout and, since then, has carried me through other difficult situations as well. The more that phrase is in my mind, the more perspective I seem to have during my days.

If I can truly live that mantra a little more everyday, I know I’ll be consistently growing closer to Him and allowing Him to become more and more a part of who I am.

The more I can throw off my own self and allow Him to guide my life and be my strength, the more He will step in to make my life what it’s supposed to be. And that includes a healthy body.

The farther down you go…

…the higher you have to rise.

I used to teach this concept in my Gospel Doctrine class and Elder’s Quorom classes when I was in the Mormon church. Thinking back on it now, I think it holds true.

Imagine if you will, a brand new baby. Pretend for a minute that it has never experienced pain of any kind (I know, childbirth is hardly painless, but like I said, we’re pretending). Now, continue to pretend that somehow that child lived it’s first five years without ever so much as stubbing a toe or pinching a finger. This little baby never experienced an ounce of pain… has no concept of what pain even feels like.

And then one day…. BOOM! He stubs his little toe hard on the kitchen cabinet. He curls up on the floor in pain and cries and cries. It’s his first exposure to pain, and it hurts like the dickens.

Before long, though, the pain subsides and he’s back to his regular pain-free life. Until this point, he’s had no appreciation for what pain even is. And because of that, no feeling of the joy of living without pain… of being healthy and strong. Up until that toe-stubbing, he was just existing.

But, he can only experience the level of joy of that comes with not having his toe hurt. He can only comprehend and appreciate pain to that level. He has no concept of how much more one can hurt in this life, and therefore has no feeling of joy… except that of his toe not hurting. Of course, the boy grows into a man and experiences pain of all types and intensities… bruises, broken bones, lost loves, career disappointments, death of loved ones, maybe even cancer or heart disease. By the end of his life, he has truly come to understand and appreciate what a blessing and a joy the lack of pain is… because he’s experienced so much of it.

The same is true of all sorts of pain in our lives. Who has a greater appreciation for life… the always-healthy athlete or the cancer survivor? Who has a greater appreciation for a home… the heir to an estate or the previously homeless man? Who has a deeper understanding of God… the unchallenged and untempted or the person who’s faith has been tried in devastating or troublesome circumstances?

We can only have joy to the extent that we’ve experienced pain. We can’t comprehend joy without the existence of pain.

I find this helps me in periods in my life of extreme challenge or pain. It is God’s way of preparing us to enjoy an equal and opposite amount of joy and happiness, either in this life or in the one to come.

I truly felt like I could celebrate my current challenges today, because I know that He stands ready to give me the equal and opposite joy and happiness that follows it… in his timeframe.

And He must be preparing me for something really good, because life is pretty rough right now.

I don’t think it was ever God’s plan to have me spend 35 years in the Mormon church, but I know he has used that for His good in me. It has given me a deep and profound appreciation for His grace, His sacrifice, the simplicity of His plan, and love for His word that I’m not sure I would have developed had I been taught it all my life.

The plan for me?

The prayer of my heart lately has been for direction from Him. My real estate business just stopped almost on the very day we left the Mormon church. It’s been weird. I know it’s all part of His plan for me… to teach me to rely on Him.

I received an answer to a prayer the other day in a very different way than I had before. No burning in the bosom… no profound experience… no whispering voices. It was just a thought that came to my mind, clear and powerful. I was in the middle of a fervent prayer about my future. His answer to me was, "You’re not meant to be doing what you’re doing."

I wish it had been a conversation, because I had some follow-up questions for Him. Like…

"What am I meant to do, then?"
"Should I quit cold-turkey and do something else?"
"Should I be looking for a new job?"
"Should I be starting a new business?"
"Am I meant to transition out of this business?"
"Will you still support me if I stay in it a little longer til I figure things out?"

But His first answer was all I got. Which is profound and important in and of itself. It’s more than a lot of people get, I think.

I’ve been working towards launching a new business for some time now. I’ve always been gifted as a public speaker (Thank you, Lord) and wanted to use that skill much more in my career. I’ve been working towards becoming a seminar presenter and author for the real estate industry. Is that the direction I’m meant to pursue?

And then again, I’ve felt strongly compelled lately to share my story of coming out of the Mormon church. Anytime I pray and ask the Father how I am supposed to help build His kingdom, that thought comes to mind. Does that mean I should be writing a book about that experience rather than how to get started in Real Estate? Does that mean somehow if I pursue sharing that story as much as possible, to all who are willing to hear, that he’ll support my family financially somehow through it? I have no idea.

The longer I sit in my real estate office with nothing happening, the more I feel I should be throwing myself entirely into something else. I just don’t know what that something else is.

I heard once that we talk to God through prayer and He talks back to us through the scriptures… and I believe that to be true most of the time. I guess I need to spend even more time praying and reading. That’s hard to do when I feel like I should be using as much time and effort as possible in supporting my family right now.

My Supports

Had another great Wednesday night service last night. Among the things talked about was how, so often after being saved, the Lord will permit some or all of a person’s pre-existing supports to fall away from them. This to see if a person has truly come to rely on the Lord. While I agree, and am definitely feeling some of those supports being kicked out from under me, I think there’s a little more to it. I think that, when He removes a support, He stands ready with a new one to insert in it’s place. Now, that doesn’t mean He’ll automatically do it… just that He’s got one ready.

For example, my family was a huge support to me in my life. Obviously, they aren’t supportive at all anymore in my religious life, and I honestly think they kind of hope for some tragedy or hard times in my life to "bring me back to the faith" or whatever. This support has truly been kicked out from under me… although maybe I’ve kicked it out myself… the end result is the same. But He was ready with a new support in the form of a new church family. Just as I was falling to the ground, without the support I was used to, He propped in a new support and caught me. I literally spend four days a week now with my church family… in church, in bible study, in a home bible study group, in a men’s discipleship group, and the occasional event. I have some inkling of how Paul must have felt as he wrote to the Philippians… his very first thought being of thanks for brothers and sisters in Christ.

I feel like I’m also having the financial support kicked out from under me… at least partially. A major portion of my business came from contact and friends within the LDS church. I find that those are disappearing very quickly. I wonder what form of support the Lord has in store for me in that area of my life. I’m trying to be as open as I can to recognizing it when I see it.
Maybe it’s the same support (or same career) but just at a very different financial level than I’m used to. Maybe it’s a entirely new direction. Maybe it’s a combination.

I picture myself like some old three-legged stool that someone made in shop class. Nothing looks really good, or fits together very well, but it at least stands up. The Lord doesn’t want me to be that clunky old stool. He’ll remove one leg at a time, replacing it with a better grade of wood, and sculpted with a master’s hand. It seems scary for the stool at first to have a leg removed. And even scary when the master begins to attach a new leg that doesn’t look anything like the rest of the stool… doesn’t really even fit very well. But, if the stool would just trust the master and not fight him, eventually He will have replaced every part until that ugly old stool reflects his glory as a fine and useful piece of furniture.

I feel I’m at the very beginning of that process. I’m an ugly old stool who’s freaking out because the master is removing the legs I’ve known and relied on all my life. I have no idea what the new legs will look like, how they’ll fit, what others will think of them, or how the finished project will look. But I have to have faith in the Master that He knows my potential.

Grasping at explanations

This is the story of my oldest daughter. We apparently had an inept doctor when she was born. Somehow, this doctor missed the fact that my wife was running an extremely high fever during childbirth… in fact, as she complained how cold she was, the doctor kept piling warmed blankets on top of her chilled body. Eventually, a more experience doctor came in and immediately recognized what was going on. Tearing off all the blankets, they took her temperature. It’s been too many years ago now for me to remember how high it was, but is was alarmingly high. They immediately sped things up (although she was still technically in labor for over 24 hours) to get the baby out of an oven of a mommy. My daughter was born with an extremely high fever, but recovered fairly quickly from it and we thought everything was going to be okay.

Fast forward many years down the road. She’s been diagnosed with Central Auditory Processing Disorder, which is a complicated diagnosis that we’re still trying to understand. Basically, she doesn’t store information the same way we all do, and it keeps her socially and mentally well behind her peers. We’re honestly not sure if she’ll ever be able to live on her own or not. She does pretty well most of the time, but has some dangerous lapses of common sense from time to time. Turns out the most common cause of this disorder is a high fever at birth.

Anyway, it’s always been a struggle for me to understand why this child was burdened with such a dramatic disability. Our other two kids are extremely intelligent, and I can’t help but wonder what she was meant to be had this stupid accident not occured. I know… there are children who lose their lives every day in stupid accidents, too… so I try to consider us lucky. But that’s harder to do some days than others.

Then I had this experience. Driving home the other day, not even thinking about her, I had this very clear thought pop into my head…

What if she had had normal mental capabilities when we found out the Mormon church wasn’t true? Would she have been so committed by then that we wouldn’t have been able to get her out? There are many kids her age who have already formed their independant natures enough to not have been open to the new knowledge we were gaining. Could it be that her disability was part of a plan to keep her "young enough" mentally that we could still get her out of that church? I have no idea. It’s certainly never entered my mind before. And I wasn’t even thinking remotely about her when the thought hit me.

Maybe I’m grasping at explanations in a circumstance where there are none. But part of me hopes that maybe that is the reason, and that now she might begin to recover from it since it’s served it’s purpose.

I used to beleive that I carried the very same Priesthood that Christ used to perform His healings and that, if I was faithful enough and if it was God’s will, I could heal people. That sounds so incredibly sacriligous to me now. I’m ashamed I ever believed it. But I continue to believe that Christ has a healing power. But I’m realizing I no longer have any concept of how it works. Who has the power to ask for it? Me? My daughter? Who? And who has authority to call upon it? Anybody? Nobody?

I never attempted to heal my daughter of this disability… I think because I was so afraid it wouldn’t work. And not because Christ doesn’t heal, but because of a fear that my lack of a perfect faith would prevent it from happening. Talk about carrying around guilt. I’ve watched my daughter struggle her whole life feeling somewhat personally responsible that I didn’t have enough faith to heal her.

How wonderful that we can lay things like this at Jesus’ feet. He is in control. If my daughter is to be healed, I know that Jesus will put the information, the people, and the situation in place to make that happen. If she isn’t, I know that Jesus is personally involved in her life and her situation.

The money thing…

I should probably explain the money thing that I’ve been talking about here lately. You see, I’m in real estate… a very "what’s next?" business. I typically have three or more transactions that I’m working on at any given time. And about one in ten transactions usually fall apart… failed home inspections, inability to get buyer’s financed, etc.

Since my decision to leave the Mormon church I literally have not put another deal together, and the ones I was working on ALL fell apart. In four years of real estate business, I’ve never NOT had a current transaction I’m working on. This is a first for me, and it’s very scary. That may change as I got an offer on a listing today, so maybe things are changing.

This business can turn SO FAST sometimes. I’ve literally gone from nearly nothing in the past to having millions of dollars in real estate under contract in about a week’s time. I guess I shouldn’t read too much into a reversal the other direction at times.

I know that much of this has been caused by the absolute upheaval that a change in religion brings. I spent weeks just reading, reading, reading when I normally would have been working, working, working. I’ve also been wanting to try a new real estate-related business idea that I haven’t had time for… maybe that’s what this is. An opportunity.

It’s funny how it’s hard to see what God has planned for you in the future, but it’s so clear to look in the past and see exactly how He led you along.